I observed some time ago during a client’s coaching call that the less confident somebody feels, the more they seek to control things, other people and circumstances. But guess what, unlike many other personal development people out there I’m not going to tell you that you are in control of your life.
Instead I would recommend that you let go of controlling as much as possible. Why? Because you’re not in control of everything and the sooner you divest yourself of that illusion the better…
There are really very few things that we can control. So for instance people try to tell you to control your emotions and your thoughts – difficult isn’t it?
That thought that pops into your head – a pink elephant for instance – yeah that one! Try stopping it. Don’t think about a pink elephant, don’t think about a pink elephant, I said STOP THINKING ABOUT A PINK ELEPHANT!
Most of you will have had the thought and possibly a picture of a pink elephant in your head reading that last sentence. What about when somebody appears to be acting a bit off with you. Do thoughts about whether they like you or not pop into your head? Might you start to feel a little insecure, get a dent in your self-esteem? Do you start wondering what you’ve done wrong?
In terms of controlling your emotions – emotions just happen. How we react to them can be under our control but only sometimes. Think about it. An emotion happens – when it first happens it is not under our control, it just happens. (More about this later…)
What about when you know that somebody – a friend, family member or work colleague – should be doing ABC or shouldn’t be doing XYZ. From the best of intentions of course, you care about them and want the best for them… So you think about it, you talk about it with others. Are you in control of them? No. What good does it do you to focus on wanting to control what they are doing? None, nada, zilch.
Controlling the Uncontrollable
So what happens when people try to control what they can’t? Generally, they get angry and/or upset in some way. They start to ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’ all over themselves and everyone else. They compare themselves to others and come up short (in their eyes). They tend to judge others and worry about others judging them (see any connection there?). The get stressed because they feel they have so much to do. In business they find it hard to delegate. In personal relationships they strive to be independent (yes, particularly you ladies…). They might find it hard to relax and take time out. Life probably seems much more of a struggle than it need be…
When somebody has a huge - supposedly negative – thing in their life happen such as a bad accident or cancer or something like that, it is often life changing. One reason obviously is that it tends to bring home to people what is really important. Perhaps, another reason is that they also then realise what they can and can’t control in life…
Have you ever heard the saying?
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can’t change, the courage
to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Anon
What You Can Control
- You can choose to make a decision to only try to control what is under your control.
- You can choose to let go of everything else.
- You can choose to discover different ways of doing these things – some approaches work for some, others for others.
You see it may seem counter-intuitive but the more you let go of, the more you will actually feel in control. By letting go of negative emotions from the past you are eliminating the triggers that can cause you to be angry or upset in some way. By letting go of limiting beliefs you stop trying to control what is and isn’t possible in life.
Of course I’m not advocating that you just sit around and do nothing. As you are doing this you could be paying attention to taking inspired action - what feels right for you. Letting go of control is not the same as abdicating responsibility…
It’s about allowing what is, to be. It’s about having passion for your purpose – not getting tied up in knots about your own and others’ expectations.
Here’s a suggestion. Be like this for a day. Let go of controlling for just one day, to see how you get on, what difference it makes. Congratulate yourself when you manage it and notice when you don’t – but don’t beat yourself up about it. Simply notice where your ‘control spots’ are and you can tackle them later.
Let me know how you get on either by contacting me directly on 07766 917890, 0845 6442301 or Una@BusinessPioneersProfit.com
Una
